One thing I cannot stand is being confronted with accusations and assumptions about things regarding myself that aren't true, especially when those things come from someone I deeply love and care about. It's hurtful and plain annoying and after dealing with it for so long it gets old. I work hard for every single thing I have from the Louboutin's on my feet..to my car parked outside..to all the nice things my son has been blessed to have. So when I have someone making assumptions about what I've done to get that stuff, or who got it for me it pisses me the fuck off. My mother, brother, aunt, and cousin have been the only people to help me in any way (they have helped with having a place for me to stay and helped with my son). Noone financially supports me (occasionally I may borrow money from my mom, but she always gets paid back). I also hate the assumption that I am also out there partying all the damn time. I am working and taking care of my son 95% of the time and I barely have time to go out and have the fun I would like to have. I don't have a ton of friends anymore (they are all an hour and a half or more away, and no one is trying to travel). I no longer feel the need to explain myself any further. I'm grown and if you, or anyone else thinks of me in a negative light then you just ain't for me. Just had to put that out there.

When I love, I love hard, and it kills me when my love is un-returned. I look like an idiot for going back into the same routine with someone who won't attempt to make a change. Someone who constantly finds a way to tear me down and make a mockery of my feelings. Why can't I just get up and go without feeling anything like he can? It kills me to be with someone who really can give two shits about me.

I can't get shit done! My house is a mess. I cleaned this house from top to bottom on Saturday, and it's a mess again (it's Monday)...and no it's not even my son's fault why the house it's a mess. It's his dad. He doesn't care that the house is a mess, but I do. I care. I can't be in a messy house. I can't stand it, it drives me up a wall. I have a pile of work with deadlines for Wednesday, that I probably won't finish, because my kid is crying and screaming and running around getting into shit all day long. It was pretty bad before, but now that he's walking it's even worse. Most moms have a little help, whether it be from their friends, parents, significant other, sitter, etc. Not me. Not at all. I'm alone, tired, and annoyed. I refuse to put my 10 month old in daycare, and I'm afraid of him being mistreated by a sitter (I was abused by a sitter as a child). The only reason I got a little time to write this blog is because my son his little 15 minute nap.

Mel B has two kids, and she looks like this...






I have one child and I look like this...

She says all she does is have a lot of sex. Smdh. :-|

I don't like the way my life is right now. I feel like I'm stuck in neutral once again. I don't like this feeling. I need a big dose happiness in my life. Every time I take a step closer to happiness, I'm kicked 10 steps back. People keep saying "Don't worry, things always get better" or "Kim, just focus on your son. He's your happiness". People keep forgetting I am an individual, and I need to still have a life outside of my son. I love him so much, but I need to still need to be me every once in a while. I don't have the advantage a lot of moms do. I don't have my own mom down the street to drop him off when I want to go hang with my friends. I don't have a man that is willing to watch him for me so I can go and have some "me" time. I don't have anyone here. I don't have enough trust to leave him with some random ass babysitter. To top it off I have a man that I feel doesn't even want me to go and have a life. While he gets to chill at work with his friends all day long, I'm stuck at home working with my son. Anytime I even mention I want to go out he has some sideways shit to say.






Fuckery.